Roles - Who Does What?

Episode Transcript

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The Mom Training Podcast with Diana Ballard

 

Diana:   Okay, today we're going to talk about how we have different roles in our family and in our home. And now, they could be completely different than the person next to you. So we're going to talk about some general things that normally happens in a household, and it may be split up a little differently between you and your husband. I'll talk about how I do mine. And let's jump into it.

 

  In this last little season, my husband was unemployed for three months, which was not the funnest experience in our life, because he wants to be the provider in our home. Like that's something that's really important to him, and what he wants to do.

 

  So, I have backed up like I… Totally, cool. That's why my money is my money, and his money is the one that provides for us. They’ re separate, which is awesome. I have freedom to do whatever I want with the money that I make. And I respect, very much so, any bit of money that he makes. And I help protect that money, and make it stretch as much as possible. Make him feel like he's doing the best job ever, as a provider. And try to do whatever I possibly can to make sure that money is going to be where it needs, when we need it, and to save as much as possible. That is one role that we have set up in our home.

 

  A role that also was set up in our home is that, I am the housewife. I am the one in charge of making sure the laundry gets done, making sure the dishes get done, making sure that there's food on the table that’s yummy and healthy. And I took that on myself, that's exactly what I wanted to do. That's exactly what I trained for, for a couple years, before even becoming a wife and mom, was exactly everything, we talked about in Mom Training.

 

  I wanted to be that person in our family.

 

  Does that mean I'm always doing all the dishes myself? No. Does that mean I'm always the one folding the laundry, or putting in another load, or sweeping the floor, or watching the children? No way. Me and my husband are the best teammates, ever. But I am in charge of making sure that it's done. So, if the dishes need to get done, then I ask him, “Hey, would you mind doing the dishes tonight and sweeping the floor. Thank you so much. I really need to take a shower and go to bed.” “Cool.” “Hey, would you be able to help me a little bit. Can you go start this load of laundry?”

 

  How these roles are split up, is that he's in charge of one area and I’m in charge of another. Obviously, there's a million other areas in our home, we're just talking about these two right now. So, if I need something done and want something done in the house, I am the director of that; if that makes sense.

 

  If there's tons of cleaning like the bathrooms need to be cleaned, then either I'm going to be doing the bathrooms, or I'm going to be delegating to someone else to do the bathrooms. Whether that be a nanny or a house assistant… Which I'm so excited, I'm in the market right now to hire someone. I haven't had an assistant in like a year. That’s a really long time.

 

  When you’re working part time from home, have three little kids, and surprise, I am pregnant… If you’re not on my social media, I pregnant with baby number four... And I've been sick or whatever… I am really excited to hire an assistant again.

 

  So, either I'm delegating to her, I’m doing it, or I’m delegating to my husband. “Hey, tomorrow, Saturday, would you mind cleaning both bathrooms?”  “Okay, cool.” … I mean, it’s be the director of what your roles are. And if your roles are not clearly defined, that's going to cause a lot of problems.

 

  If you’re automatically assuming, “This is our house. We should be cleaning it together.” He should just see the mess and clean it up. That is a way to think about it. That is a way to do it. But how much more better are you going to feel, to be able to help direct something.

 

  And again, I'm not trying to say that husbands should be completely off the hook of not seeing messes. But in my experience, because my husband works full time, he doesn't think about the house the same way that I do. He doesn't see the clutter, the exact same way that I do. If he sees the entire living room torn apart. Yeah, he's going to have a cow. He's going to be like, “This room is such a mess. Bring in the three little kids, turn all the couch cushions off with all their toys and whatever else.”

 

  They're into string, right now, tying string from one thing to the next, across the room. I'm just surprised no one has tripped and fallen flat on their face, more than they have. Like looking at our piano, or where our TV is at, seeing little clutter on the side, like that may not affect him.

 

  But it affects the heck out of me. Because if books start to get set there, or a computer, or someone's cup, or just clutter starting to get on top of the piano, I'm like, “Whoa, whoa. That has got to go.”

 

  But he doesn't see that because he's not in the house all the time like I am. So, if I want things done, then I am going to direct it. And because I have taken on that role, it is a lot easier for me. I have less stress, because I am able to direct, instead of feel like a victim of circumstance when I continue to see this mess, and for some reason, no one's cleaning it up. Instead, direct in your roles, and however you need to communicate that, or set boundaries, or whatever you need to do, but you are in control of your environment.

 

  As you take on that role, whatever it may be… Say maybe, you work full time, and he’s home. Has it been clarified, that if I'm working full time, you're the house man. Okay, I don’t want to call him a housewife, that would be really not a good idea. But if I'm working full time, then you've got to take care of the house and this is how it needs to be done. If you're not the one full time working, then someone… Who do you expect to clean your house?

 

  If you're not taking control, if you're not taking that role. Who are you expecting to clean your house? Who are you expecting to not have 5 million things on your couch? Or all over your floor, or crumbs that have been there from like 5 million Ritz crackers that have been broken up for who knows how long. Some of them have been shoved under the couch because your just, “I can't take care of that right now.”

 

  Somebody has to be in control of certain things. Somebody has to be in control of taking care of the finances, someone has to be in control of cleaning the house. Again, are you always the one doing it? No, delegated out.

 

 And I'll tell you, there are ways to communicate with your husband, that will increase your chances of him helping than not. And maybe I'll talk about that in the next podcast because… I mean, it is insane to me, the way that some wives communicate with their husband. And I know that it's not like… They haven't been trained up in it. Maybe they've had really bad examples.

 

  But if you want your husband to help out with the roles that you've chosen to be yours, whether those have been plainly set out, “Hey, you're going to be the provider. I'm going to be over the house, but I'm going to need your help. I'm going to need you to help me with a couple things every day. So that, I can feel like I'm back on top. I can take care of myself.

 

  My husband helps me with things every single day. And I'm telling you, it didn't start out that way. I mean, he is a miracle man, and I’m just going to say right now, I have been blessed, and I waited a long time. I was friends with him for four and a half years. I waited a long freaking time to be married to this man. But it wasn't always like this, him helping me with little things every day it was not like that in the beginning.

 

  So, there is hope. There are ways, and maybe we'll talk about that in the next podcast. But overall, who does what. If there's nobody assigned to something, no one's willing to take responsibility for it, step up. Step up. We're all not in high school anymore, and maybe there are some high school moms on here… I don't know. Hey, what's up girl? Welcome, you can prevent so many problems in your life if you learn these things early… But we're not little kids anymore. Step up.

 

  Who's going to take care of it? Somebody's got to take care of it, and you're going to feel so much better, so much more fulfilled, and in so much more control of your life, if somebody says, “I got this… I'm going to be in charge of doing the finances.”  “Well, I want to be in charge.”  “Okay then, I don't know we got to talk this out because somebody's got to do it.”

 

  And again, that might come down to presenting. How you present, strategic communication. Being able to present to your husband, “Hey, I would really like to make a budget. Can we talk about that?” Just going in, being strategic with what you're saying, so that you can work it out. Can we work out this role thing? “Hey, I'm going to take control of the house.” Like just straight up, “I'm in control of the house, can you be in control the outside of the house?”

 

  That’s the best deal I've ever made with my husband [chuckle]. He is in control of the outside, especially moving to this new house, where we have so much grass and weed whacking and all this stuff, I’m like, “Yeah, you go pick up the dog poop [chuckle] of our 120-pound dog. You mow the lawn every week.”  “Cool. Yeah, I'm cool with that.”  “I will stay in the house when it's freaking hot outside. And I will make the food, and I'll clean things, but you got the outside. Are we cool with that?”  “Okay.”  “Cool. That role has been determined.” That was the best deal ever.

 

  I don't want to do that… I'm going to have to do it for a little bit, he's going to be out of town for a little bit, and I'm going to be in charge of that. But I might hire somebody to do this stuff. Because it’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of freaking work.

 

  Anyway, who does what in your relationship? Who does what? Who covers what base?

 

 Step up and take responsibility for it. If something's not getting done, it has to be delegated. And you know what, you might be the person that needs to delegate it. You might be the person that needs to step up and be like, “Okay, we're going to take this over. I'm going to take this over, and it's going to get done. And I'm going to learn what I need to #MomTraining, get your little butt in there with me to learn the things you need to, to be able to control what you need to.

 

  And I'm not talking about being a control freak. I'm talking about like being in control of your environment of what you can control. You can control your spending. You can control your communication. You can control how much stuff's being brought in or out of your house. These are things you can control and have influence over.

 

  So, if you want to feel fulfilled in your home, you want to feel like, “I got this. I am a boss in my house. And I am a strong woman as a stay-at-home mom, or a part time working mom, or full-time working mom, whatever you want. Step up, delegate those roles and feel so much better on the other end.

  

  Mom Training - DianaBallard.com, get your little bootie over there. I need you in there, because your family needs you to step up to be the mom that you need to be and that you want to be.

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