Strategic Communication with our husbands
March 9, 2021
Listen, there are so many ways we can communicate with our husbands. But, what if there were some better ways to communicate that made things flow smoother and brought more harmony into your life? Learning how to communicate strategically is so important and crucial to help your marriage thrive!
Strategic Communication With Our Husbands
The Mom Training Podcast with Diana Ballard
Diana: Okay, we're going to dive in girls. We're going to talk about it, communicating with our husband. Now, I’m going to give you a couple of examples, and this is something that I studied immensely, because for quite a while, I did not have a good relationship with men at all.
I mean, I dated lots of guys, I just never really truly learned how to appreciate, how to respect… There we go, that’s… I'm like how do I get to exactly what I was feeling… I did not have respect for men. I did not honor them. I had some bad examples through high school of how to treat guys. I learned different things of like feminist stuff like about men… Like I didn’t have like a good…
Which the feminist movement, is not my favorite thing. I’m just going to straight up come out and say that right now, because men are just as important as women. They are just as important and should be treated with just as much honor and respect, as we as women are standing up, that we want to. I feel the feminist movement has gone a little too far of bashing men, that we don't need them, “Girls are the power. They’re going to take over the world.” Nah, bra, I want dudes involved too.
Going back to that checks and balances, we need both sides. Girls are freaking highly emotional, man. I don’t want them in charge all the time. You got to get some logic in there. Checks and balances, dude. Both people are different, and we need both of them. I’m getting off my soap box for that but we need to respect men. We need to honor them. And there is a lot of problem, if we don't honor and respect men. And there are so many things, like so many directions I could go in, right now, of ways that men are being disrespected and dishonored in our own homes and out in the community.
Like be scared for your son's, going out into the world, going out and dating. Freak man. We need to teach our own daughters, our own sons to respect themselves and to respect the men in their life.
What we're going to talk about today is about honoring and respecting, and about communicating in a way that is honorable, and respectful. Now, I'm going to give you an example. So, I'm almost halfway with my pregnancy right now. And after a long day, if I get comfortable in a position on the couch and I'm doing my writing and doing my spiritual study before I go to bed, if I didn't do it the morning. Sometimes, I'm comfy. I've been running around all day and I'm in a really comfortable position, and I really don't want to go down the stairs into the cold basement and change over the laundry, right now.
So, my husband is also sitting on the couch, but he's just sitting in normal and he's reading on his phone or doing something like that. So, what ways could I go about, asking him to change over the laundry for me. When both of us are chilling, I am straight up, possibly being lazy. There are a couple different directions I could go to make what I want happen, which is to have him go downstairs and change over the laundry.
You’re like, “Diana, you're lazy.”
Yes, so what? [chuckle] I'm allowed to have a lazy moment and so are you. And you know what, if you can have someone who can help you, and make it so it’s not a big deal, they’re not feeling taken advantage of… You’ve had a long day and you want to sit on your butt for a minute… Girl, go at it. Go at it.
And I was having a lazy moment. I was comfortable. I had my music playing. I did not want to get off my butt. So, this is what I said to him. I said, “Honey, my two little butt cheeks, right now, are so comfy and warm under this blanket, sitting on this chair. And I look at you and your handsomeness, and think, wow, look how strong he is… Look at how strong he is, sitting over there. That handsome dude… And I was thinking to myself, what would it be like if he was to walk downstairs and change over the laundry for me so that I didn't have to get my comfortable little butt out of this couch. Out of this warm, warm blanket and have to go downstairs… I’d be breathing hard because I'm pregnant.”
Now, this is all a joke, like this is really what I said, but this is all me saying it in like a funny way. And I'm being completely honest with him. “And I might just be feeling like a lazy bum, and I look at you and know that you're such a good husband, and the thought of you changing over the laundry would be awesome. So, would you go change over the laundry?” And he looked at me, and he laughed, and he went changed the laundry.
Now, that my friend was strategic communication. And you’re like, “Diana, are you smoking something? Because what you just said right now, was not strategic.” Oh yeah? Oh yeah. Oh yeah! [chuckle] Girl, girls, girl, girl, what I did there was, I was able to be completely honest. “I just feel like being lazy bum, hon. I’m warm under this blanket. I’m comfortable, and I just wondered if you would go change over the laundry?” Now, we have a lot of humor in our relationship, so that works good for me.
Let me give you a couple examples of other ways I could have got him to do the same exact thing, without it being like a funny moment, or him maybe being slightly like, “Okay, whatever. I'll just go do it for you.” And it was no big deal.
So, here are a couple of examples of things that I could have done instead, “Honey, I'm so tired. I've had such a long day. The kids did this and they did this and complain, complain, complain and I'm so comfy on this couch right now. And I really like I just can't do another single thing can you please go change the laundry for me… bahh…” Okay now, exaggerate it a little bit, but not really. Have we heard ourselves talk like this before? I know that I have sometimes, and I catch myself, I'm like, “Eww, gosh, gross.” I do not like whining… urgh… And complaining and, like getting my husband to do stuff when I'm like that doesn't feel good. It feels icky… Again, he would go change the laundry over but it felt icky.
Here's another one… The washer’s done, could you change it over, please?” And maybe you’d get a little resistance of like, “Why can’t you do it?” “Do you know how much I've done today? And then I had a kid throw up on me, and then I had this and that, and I made you a huge meal. And then what are you doing on your phone anyway? You're not even doing anything important. I'm doing something right now. I'm taking care of my mental and emotional state right now, which is so important for me to do. So, you go change over the laundry… Like are you kidding me? You can't even help me with one thing? Really?”
He might just go to not be around you anymore. Like, “Why don't you spend time with me?” Maybe because you yell at him every chance you get, that he's not doing exactly what you want him to be. Or that he's fallen short in a million ways. And again, that can come from using strategic conversations with him will increase your chances of getting what you want without being a pain in the butt.
There's other ways of being passive aggressive… “Uh, the laundry just needs to be turned over. Oh, darn. That darn laundry ah [baby crying sound]”. So, there's the whining. There's being angry. I could have complained that, “Honey, I’m so pregnant and if I walk up and the down the stairs I’ll just… I'm just tired. I’m growing a baby honey, I mean, just give me a break. Okay?”
Like dude, I know all this stuff [chuckle]. I know I’m pregnant. I know I'm being lazy sitting out here but I need a break, whatever. I pushed myself pretty hard today.”
How are you presenting things to your husband?
Say, you see another husband that’s helping out his wife a little bit more than yours does, and you’re like, “See, guys could help out. You guys, husbands are supposed to help out. Their team work is amazing. Why can’t you do that? Wahhh… ”
“Uh… Not my fav conversation or person to be around”, says the man.
How are you communicating with your husband? Are you being strategic? Are you thinking about what you're saying, before you say it? How you're saying it, the tone of voice? What expression you have on your face? What goal you want on the other end?
You’re like, “Diana, that is so much to practice. That is so much to even think about and work on.” Maybe you've never done anything like that… #MomTraining. We have hours of content for you to listen to, and some of them are about strategic communication. We talk about that.
And man, I'll tell you what, I would love to put together a course about husbands because, again, my husband is a miracle man. He was a very good man from the very beginning but man, he's become exactly what I want and need. And that hasn't been through manipulation, that hasn't been through force, that's been through strategy. It has been this through presenting things and having him make a choice and say, “Yeah, you know what, I see how that would help you. So, I'm going to do that. I see how my life would be easier by helping you do something so that you're happier.”
I mean, there are ways to communicate that will make your life so much easier. And this is more than just with husbands, this is with your kids, this is with your parents, your in-laws, people around you, people at work, strategic communication is your key to being able to make your life easier.
If you could just dish me up some of that... Give me all you got, to teach me how to be strategic in my communication, how to understand people more, and how to give them what they want, which then helps you to get what you want.
Think about how you're communicating with your husband, how you're asking him for help. And it could be as simple as, “Hey honey, I am really going to be working on taking control of the house, and taking responsibility. I'm going to take over the role of the house, but I'm going to need your help. So, would you be able to help me with the dishes tonight? Could you do like one side of the sink and I'll do the other?”
Maybe you're going to hit resistance, maybe you're not, but I'll tell you that kind of communication right there, is how it starts. That type of communication, is going to open doors for you, instead of shutting them of. “Oh my gosh, there's so many dishes! I just… [crying sounds] can you help me?”
I'm not going to lie there are days when I am fricking emotional [chuckle]. There’re literally, might be days where I have cried like that. So, don't expect yourself to be perfect, but are you doing that often? Are there other days where you're like, [crying sounds] and maybe he helps you out a little bit more? Don't let that become a habit. Don't let that become your strategy, is what I'm saying. If you have days like that. Cool, we're all human.
We're females, we feel things. We have emotions, hormones; my pregnancy hormones, your, [crying sounds] [chuckle]… Let's be real. Let's be human. But I want you to think about how you're communicating with him, and learn from people who have good communication, and do speak strategically in their relationship with their husband. Because it prevents 5 million problems all the time.
No exaggeration needed, just a little bit. You can prevent so many problems. So, I invite you to think about that. Think about what strategy you are using, if it's a good one. If there's a better one or even the best one for you to focus on.
If you liked today's podcast share it with another mama. Thank you for everybody who's telling other moms about the podcast I appreciate it. You guys are awesome and go speak strategically to your husband. If you don't have one, you better learn this now. Start practicing it on anyone you can, so that when you get a husband, if you want a husband, then you’ll be ready. Prevent those problems.
See you next Tuesday on The Mom Training Podcast.