The encouragement Cycle
June 22, 2021
Do we give encouragement each day to our spouse? If we’re searching for more encouragement ourselves, encouraging our spouse will help increase the positive reinforcement, communication, and love in our relationship.
The Encouragement Cycle
The Mom Training Podcast with Diana Ballard
Diana: So, we talked about strategic communication with our husbands last week. I wanted to dive in a little bit more about communicating with our husband, and what positive things can come from that. As I've studied and continue to study successful relationships, the one thing I have found is the relationships that have the most solid foundation, are the ones that are constantly encouraging each other.
Now, maybe you're saying right now, “My husband does not encourage me.” Well, let's flip the coin. How much are you encouraging him? How much is he hearing positive things from your mouth about things that he's doing? Being grateful, thanking him for things that maybe seem so ordinary. ”Thank you for going to work. Thank you for loving the children, for smiling at me today.”
Are we encouraging our husbands as much as we want to be encouraged? Because that's a very solid pattern, that I found over the last nine years, is that when one spouse starts to become an encourager it increases the chances of the other spouse also becoming encouraged. And again, with strategic communication that goes in with letting them know, “Hey, I'm needing a little bit more encouragement.” Which could mean setting down some pride, of saying, that you need help with something; that you need encouragement.
And that really is pride, to say like, “Oh I don't need help. I'm going to do this all on my own. I don't need to tell anybody that I need them to encourage me.” I mean why not? If you're that's what you're wanting if that's what you're needing. Why not tell people that, “Hey, I’m needing a little bit of uplifting words today. I need some more encouragement. Can you please help me see some good things that I'm doing? Can you help encourage me?”
I'm just going to tell you from experience, the more you practice encouraging your husband, the more that comes back to you. And this is something that I work on all the time, because on my honeymoon… You may have heard this story before… In Alaska, we were working at a lodge and this lady came up to the front desk; I was the lodge front desk person for booking rooms and everything. And she was just gorgeous from head to toe, and have the most beautiful rings, and was just decked out with this beautiful jewelry. And upon asking her - long story short, her husband had made all that jewelry for her. And you could just tell that she just loved the pieces, from head to toe. Just you can see someone with a glow. And you're like, “What are you doing different?”
So, I dug in with asking as many questions as possible, and the one thing that I pulled from her, that has stuck with me from the very, very beginning was, she says, “If you work on encouraging your husband, three times a day.” She says, “You'll literally, be able to have and do anything in the world. Because if he feels that you support him. If he feels that you love him, that you believe in him, that you're grateful for him”, she says, “Oh ma’am, there's nothing he wouldn't do for you.”
I have been practicing that on a regular basis. And it's funny because me telling that to my husband now, he's like, “What, you do that?” And I'm like, “Yeah, I do actually. Every single day.” I mean it's just become a habit now, just saying thank you, letting him know he's wonderful in some aspects, “Hey, you look really good.”, “Hey let me pinch that hiney of yours.” Just little things like that. It doesn't have to be like something big like sitting them down, having a serious conversation of everything that you're grateful for, or… Which those are good too. I mean those are good moments as well.
But how much are you encouraging him on a daily basis? And helping lift him up, help him see the good in himself. Because I'll tell you, there's plenty of things trying to pull him down. His own fears and doubts trying to pull him down. And it's easy for us to see their flaws, or how they're imperfect, or things that they suck at right. Right? Which I feel horrible saying that, but there's things that we aren't good at, and that they're not good at, and are working on. And we can see those things.
And so sometimes, it might be hard for us to see some of the good things because we're so focused on maybe like one habit that somebody has that bothers you. So, if you're looking for more encouragement in your relationship, if you're looking for more words of love, what are you giving? What are you strategically, giving, and then asking in return? “Hey, would you be able to tell me why you love me?”, “Hey, could you encourage me for a minute, I'm just needing a little bit more words of encouragement.”
Ladies, we're coming up on our seventh anniversary. The things my husband says to me now, blow me away. Like I just got an email from him, he's out of town right now, and the things that he said meant more to me than anything anyone ever could have said. Because his encouragement and his love coming from him is amazing. It's what I want to hear. It's who I want to hear it from. And that was all strategic. Maybe he's just a really good man. Maybe you would have grown into that too but the reason why I'm getting back, exactly what I need and want, is because it's been set up that way. It's been, day after day of encouraging him letting him know what I need. Communicating strategically. I mean, this is not just by happenstance, this came to be, from practice and from continually doing something every single day. And the communication is insane, it's like, “Wow.”
Do we fight? Yeah. We do. You’re like, “Oh my gosh, Dianna, you have an amazing relationship with your husband and you fight with him?” Yes, and you don't? Do you never fight with your husband? You never have anything you disagree on? Which I believe, that some of the things that we disagree on are for a purpose. Like me bringing my spending to him and being like, “Hey, I'm thinking of buying this”, and him giving me resistance is for purpose. Again, going back to checks and balances.
There could be things that may be kind of tip you the wrong way, and vice versa for him. You make a mistake. Someone doesn't get enough sleep. I'm hormonal. I mean there's lots of things that can go into it, but it's learning how to work through those hard, challenging times, those times when there's a little bit more fire, or a little bit more of anger towards each other because we're human. So, there's this painted picture of that. Like, “Diana, how do you have the most amazing communication and romantic…” The stuff that he sends me just melts me. And how can you have that, but then, three days ago, you were so mad at him, that you didn't want to talk to him for like two hours.
How can you have that? It's called life, you guys. So, I want you to see a realistic picture here, that just because you have some arguments all the time, doesn't mean that you can't build something beautiful in the meantime. Each moment that you're in, each moment is a practice. You're practicing something. You're practicing how to communicate, how to work with each other.
When you see these, mind-blowing relationships, like on social media or people around you, and you're like, “I really look up to you”, and then you find out that they like had a tussle. Like, this is normal. This is normal. Okay. You are normal if you have a tussle with your husband every once in a while. It is normal if sometimes you need a little space. It is normal if things aren’t always flowing the best, and smoothly as they might have yesterday.
So, I want to make sure that you see the real picture here. I have amazing communication with my husband, especially because we were friends for four and a half years, we became best friends there, communicated long distance, multiple times. We've done tons of things when he's away and we write letters. We're currently writing letters to each other right now. And, just back and forth, and it's just… There are different seasons of our life that create different moments.
There are hardship moments, you know 2020. If you had some tension in your marriage, if you had some tension in your communication, join the club. I think we all did. I think every relationship had a struggle of some kind, at some point, during that hard time. Because it was a hard time for everybody. Right? And then there's going to be moments of bliss and then there's going to be moments of struggle together. And then there's going to be different times when that communication is exactly what you need. You need to be able to work through your problems, you need to be able to have a really strong base of how you work with each other when those problems come.
Start building a brick at a time, that beautiful mansion of romance, of sexy things that are said, of intimate things that touch your heart, that fills your soul and that encourage. It's possible for you to have it, as well as anyone to have it. So, one piece at a time, one piece of inspiration at a time for your marriage specifically. And it starts with your encouraging words to each other. It starts with that communication with each other, that builds a relationship.
I encourage you to go get your little booty encouraging, the people around you, especially your husband because he needs it. You need it. And so, start building something beautiful, today, to what you've already been building. Keep building. Keep making it a positive thing. And again, if you're not married if you're listening to this and you're like, “I don't got a spouse.” It’s all good. It’s all good. Use this for the people around you that you love.
So, love on that husband, encouraged him, be his best supporter. His best, his best up-lifter and believe in him… And we'll see you next Tuesday on The Mom Training Podcast.