What Are Your Words Saying?
March 23, 2021
As we speak about marriage, what message are we sharing? Whether it be talking to our kids, friends, or relatives. It’s important to be attentive to what you’re talking about and what example you’re setting.
What Are Your Words Saying?
The Mom Training Podcast with Diana Ballard
Diana: Have you checked out some of our new resources at DianaBallard.com? Head over there and check out what we got. We got some new surprises over there that I want you to see and utilize, and help yourself become the best mom you want to be.
Okay, we are on the subject of husbands, right now, so we're going to stay there for a minute. Because this is really important stuff. It really is. This is something… Like going into a romantic relationship, becoming a wife, being in a harmonious relationship was something that I studied, probably more than anything, even in all the Mom Training stuff. Because I wanted to make sure that if I was going to jump into something, that I was going to try to set myself up for success more than just, just winging it.
During my researching and interviewing, and still interviewing, there's two sides of the spectrum that I have found, with women coming into family life, marriage, motherhood, whatever. And there's one side, where women are so excited to become a wife, mom, and jump into this family life, and like, “Yeah, that's what I'm going to do! It's just going to flow and everything's going to be wonderful, harmonious. It’s going to be the best thing in the world.” And then they get into family life, and they've done no preparation. They've had very little thought into things like skill sets that they might need to be successful, to make it harmonious, and to have like a ton of fun, and to be well taken care of and rested. You get what I'm saying?
Then the other side of the spectrum is people that are just scared to death. A lot of those people might still even be single right now, that have a lot of fears around what marriage and family life, and motherhood might have. It comes with it. So, like, “Uh-uh, I am not going to step into that.”
And maybe you were somewhere in between. Maybe there was some of this bliss going in, of like, “This is going to be the best thing ever.” Maybe you thought about some different things. Maybe you had a little bit of fear. Get what I'm saying?... But those are like the two extremes that I found, with talking to a lot of women. So, maybe you're in the middle of there, and maybe you're extreme on one side or the other.
Before I got married, before I even thought about marriage, I wanted to make sure that I set myself up for success. Because there was no way in heck, I was going to jump into something just blindly. Because there had been a lot of… I don't know… People coming in with their opinions and, “Oh yeah, well marriage does this”, and people that had some crappy marriages were trying to speak into me of like, “That's what marriage was like”. Now, I'm not saying that there's no hardship. They maybe were just going through a hard moment in their marriage or whatever. But I felt like there was a lot more people talking negatively about marriage than there was positively.
So, I want to encourage you to look at your marriage and see what's good in it. What is good in your own marriage? And maybe, what skill sets you wished that you would have had, or even thought about before you stepped into marriage, and family life, and motherhood? Because believe it or not, there is goodness in your marriage. I mean, there has to be. There has to be something you could pull from that says, “This is a good thing”.
Whether there are certain times where you guys get along, this thing flows really smoothly. Right. So, what is good in your marriage? And what brings you joy? Being able to focus on that, to be able to flourish in that moment with your husband. And then I'm sure you could also come up with a list of places where you struggle. Maybe where you think he's a jerk and maybe he thinks you’re a jerk… “I am not a jerk, Diana.” Okay, well, I'm not even going to go there.
I'm sure there are moments when you're a jerk. I'm just going to say that and call you out right now. Okay. Because I mean there's moments when I'm a jerk. If I don't get enough sleep, if I’m hormonal, if I haven't taken care of myself well... Man, some of the things that I say and do are naughty. “Diana, don’t even…” whatever, they're naughty. Like I am not being good. Because when we're not taken care of… Hey, you're not going to be on your best behavior, and we aren't going to be all the time. So, let's be straight up. There are times when you're a jerk too. Okay. “Oh Diana…” Just let's be real. Don't be afraid to realize, “Hey, I might need to clean up my behavior too.”
Anyway, that was a side note. Back to what we were talking about… I want you to think about what you say about your marriage, especially to the people around you… “Oh… man…” I don't know. Is that giving you a spanking? Is that making you feel like, “Okay, I'm doing a good job.”? What are you saying about your marriage to people around you? Now, I'm going to say, what are you saying to your children? Around your children? “Oh, your father this”, “Oh, your daddy this”, “Oh man, this and this and this whole marriage is this and this.”
What are you feeding your children about marriage? Are you helping them move towards the spectrum of like, “Marriage is going to be this wonderful blissful thing”, or that “Holy crap, I'm going to have so much fear and doubt, and confusion about marriage, that there's no way I'm even walking there.”? And then 20 years down the road, we're like, “Why aren't you getting married? What's wrong? Marriage is wonderful.” They're like, “Well, you've told me for years, how it wasn't.”
Without even knowing it, you might be sharing things with them, that can be either sending them towards the fearful side, or that helps them want to see that marriage is a wonderful thing. Now, I'm not saying, sugarcoat everything to your children. I'm not saying they're not going to see you have hard times. But the majority of the time, what are your children seeing and hearing from you about marriage?
And other people outside of your home that you might talk to on a regular basis. What are they seeing about marriage? What are they seeing about your marriage? And what are you sharing?
That was something that I'm so careful within my own life. And if you're close to me, you will know this because I don't mess around with this crap. Like the gossip about your spouse is not okay on a regular basis. There might be a couple of handful of people that you trust, that maybe you need to talk about something when something's been really hard, someone’s been really mean. They've been really mean to you for a little bit. You’re going through a hard time and you don't know how to navigate it.
But if you're blabbing all the time to everyone that you talk to about negative this, negative that, you're out of balance and out of line. Because it's going to mess up your marriage, for a couple of reasons. One, you're going to get opinions that aren't your best interests, that are led by other people's thoughts, opinions and fears, and experiences. And it's just going to create, you're going to create a reality about your spouse that could not even be true.
Please hear me out on this. I've watched this happen so many times where it just goes disastrous when too many people get included in a romantic relationship. I mean, majority of the time it’s ended in divorce. When maybe the couple was trying to work it out but then so many people got involved. Somebody was the gossiper and the talker, like in the relationship, one of the spouses, and it went haywire.
So, what are you saying about your marriage? Who are you talking to? And again, I'm not talking about bottling things up. If there's a real problem, find help, get solutions, talk to a therapist. Have a small handful of people that you can trust, that you know is not going to go and spread rumors everywhere, or that has your best interest in heart.
But what are you saying? Because what you're saying is also what you’re believing. And those beliefs are being transferred to whomever you're talking to. Whether that is someone who's not married, I can tell you right now, that they're making a case in their mind. They're saying to themselves, “Oh my gosh, I don't know if I want that”. Or, you're sharing positive things and they're like, “You know what, that's something that I really want. I really admire your relationship.” And with our children, same thing.
So, what spectrum are you speaking out of your mouth to other people? And are you a supporter of marriage, or someone that's trying to tear marriage apart? Like, “No, I'm not trying to tear my marriage apart”, but are you tearing it apart by saying negative things all the time, or, “Oh, husband's this... Oh, he does, this… and la la la la.” which I will say right now, media is training you to dog on your husband; to the dog on men. And men are freaking cool. They're amazing people. Are they just like us? No. Are there things that bug us? Yeah.
I mean, it's just nature, right? hey're different than us. They think differently. They don't think about the same details that we think about. We don't think about the same details they think about. It's, we’re different, on purpose. So, think about what you speak. Are you supporting or are you trying to tear down the idea of marriage, when you speak? So, think about that.
Make sure you're sharing this podcast with other mamas. I appreciate you so much for doing so, and for the growth that's come from you sharing with your friends and family.
Have a great rest of your day and we'll see you next Tuesday on The Mom Training Podcast.